It can be hard to know what to say when a friend gets upsetting news. What can we say? How can we make it better?
By using Psychological First Aid as a guide, we can get ideas on how to help.
What is Psychological First Aid?
After hearing about so many people suffering as a result of natural disasters, I decided I wanted to help. So, I got trained in Johns Hopkins’ Psychological First Aid technique.
Psychological First Aid (PFA) isn’t therapy. It’s a way to help someone who has just been though a major crisis or disaster.
Most conflicts that we experience in our day-to-day lives aren’t that severe or life-threatening. They’re still stressful and can feel catastropic, but it’s not like a fire or a hurricane.
What about everyday crises: how do you cheer up someone who failed a test?
PFA is designed for major events, but we can use it as a rough guide on how to help. The ideas behind providing PFA in major disasters can be scaled down to work with everyday stuff our friends might be going through.
When used as inspiration, PFA helps us figure out how to help people in crises large and small!
First, show them that you understand
When someone’s gone through something difficult, we might want to jump into problem-solving mode.
As tempting as it may be, hold back!
If your friend is going through something hard, they’ll want to first know that you understand them. They won’t care how good your solutions are if they feel like you’re not listening.
How can we show someone we understand what they mean?
PFA suggests using reflective listening.
Reflective listening is a skill. We don’t just sit there while our friend is talking. We actively show that we understand by nodding, rephrasing, and asking for clarification.
How to help a friend: What kind of support and help do they need?
Your friend knows that you’re listening and understand the situation. Great! Where do we go from here?
The next step in PFA is Assessment. In a disaster, this assessment includes looking at health and survival needs. If a friend is going through a breakup or failed an exam, the questions might look a little different.
Here are some possible things to look out for:
Has your friend had anything to eat or drink in awhile?
Are they worried that they might be kicked out of their house?
Has anything happened that you would need to file a police report about?
You can always ask your friend “What do you need? How can I help?”
If your friend is just feeling overwhelmed, they might not need anything concrete right now.
If your friend has a bunch of things that are weighing them down, you can prioritize what to start with. If your friend has been so stressed because of school that they haven’t eaten, it would probably be a good idea to get some food before discussing how to ask for extra credit.
Focus on listening, connecting, and accepting however they feel right now
If your friend doesn’t need any medical or physical support, it’s time to just connect with them.
Put the phone away
The phone can seem like a trap, filled with reminders of what’s stressing your friend out. Open Instagram - there’s your ex. See the logo for a texting app - remember how hard it is going to be to text your mom.
If your friend is trying to deal with some bad news, the last thing they need is to have reminders popping up.
Let them vent
If your friend says things like “my life is ruined!” you might feel an urge to respond “failing an exam is not the end of the world.”
Your friend might feel like they’ve experienced a catastrophe and everything is ruined. Even if they’re acting a little over-dramatic, just let them talk.
Most people tend to calm down after they’ve been able to vent for awhile.
Help keep them from making major, impulsive decisions
It’s normal that when we feel out of control, we might want to do something big.
Failed a test? Drop out of school.
Broke up with your sweetheart? Key their car and call them names on social media.
Didn’t make the soccer team? Throw away all your equipment.
If your friend starts talking about doing something drastic, just tell them “this probably isn’t the best time to think about making major decisions.”
You don’t have to debate whether these are good or bad ideas. Just let your friend know that they just received some bad news, and it might be best if they gave themselves some time for the hurt to lessen before making major changes.
Follow up with them
Y’all have talked, they feel a little better, and aren’t in as much shock or pain. The next step is to figure out how you will follow up with them.
Some possible follow-up ideas:
Do you want to meet tomorrow to figure out how to raise your grade/talk to the teacher/tell your parents about failing?
Can I text you tonight to see if you’re feeling any better?
Do you want to hang out this weekend and we can continue to catch up?
It can help your friend to know that you’ll be checking in on them. Even if your friend is doing better, a small check-in can help. Everyone likes knowing that someone cares.
More support for teens and adults
Want more support? Vered Counseling offers therapy for teens in Texas and North Carolina.
Vered Counseling offers in-person and online counseling. Read about counseling for teen girls and learn about the first counseling session with your teenager.
Vered Counseling also provides counseling for transgender and gender nonconforming folks. Read more about our therapy for transgender teens or counseling for transgender adults. We also provide support for parents of transgender adults and teens.
Check out the Vered Counseling blog for more helpful tips, like the 4 best ways to overcome procrastination, how to get chores done without a fight, and what are puberty blockers?
Sounds like this might be for you? To get started, contact Vered Counseling today!
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